I've cried a lot in the last 24 hours. I take great pride in my job and I had to make the decision to step away for a few weeks to take care of my family. It was one of the most difficult decisions I've had to make in my adult life.
Let's start at the beginning.
Violet woke up from her nap with a rash on her right cheek last Sunday (8/2). It faded by afternoon and I forgot about it. Monday morning she woke up with the same rash on her cheek, arms and legs. I put some cetaphil and hydrocortisone cream on it and brought her downstairs. Alex took Zara to day care and I gave Violet breakfast. I was going to call the pediatrician but they weren't open yet. I talked to my sister. She has 2 kids and she's in the medical field. She knows things. After going through a run down of any possible allergies or environmental changes we were both stumped and I noticed the rash was gone. I thought maybe I had hallucinated it. I took her to day care. Tuesday morning she had the rash again on her cheek, arms and legs. Alex was convinced she was having an allergic reaction to something in her crib, but what? We stripped her bed and moved her crib out 6 inches from the wall - like that 6 inches was going to make a difference? I put cetaphil and hydrocortisone on it again and it went away. I took both girls to day care and came home to get Nigel for a vet appointment. He has a heart murmur and I was taking a half day to take him to get an ultrasound. That is a story for another day. Good news though, he has the good kind of heart disease and doesn't need to be medicated for the time being. I had just gotten home from the vet when day care called and said Violet had a rash. Interesting. It wasn't staying away with cortisone cream any more. Day care has a rule now that requires parents to pick children up for literally any symptom of anything - fever, rash, diarrhea, vomiting, etc. I picked the girls up in the afternoon and called the doctor. We were scheduled for a 4:45 appointment with a doctor I've never met before at an office I've never been to before. After examining her the doctor said we had to test for covid. She told me it was most likely just a viral infection and to call them back if the rash persisted for more than 2 weeks and we would test her for allergies. I asked if I would have to keep her home as long as the rash presented and she said that's why we needed the covid test. If it was negative then I could send her back to day care even with the rash. Odd.
Wednesday we stayed home. The rash was gone but without a negative test result the girls couldn't go back to day care. (There is a sibling rule now that if one sibling is sick, no matter how minor, any other siblings must stay home as well.) Thursday we stayed home. The girls were cranky. I attributed their crankiness to teething. Violet is working on some molars and has the most swollen gums I've ever seen. Zara is working on two more bottom teeth before molars make their appearance. Thursday night I noticed a rash forming on Zara's sides and back. Great. Round two.
Friday morning Zara was awake before 6 am. Alex rocked her for awhile and put her back down. She slept until 7:15. The sun was peaking through the window at that time casting just enough light for me to see a deformed little face covered in hives. I turned on the light and unzipped her sleeper to discover 80% of her body covered in red, swollen hives. I panicked. She smiled. I called the doctor at 7:30 on the dot. This rash was alarming. I put cetaphil and cortisone cream on it but it didn't lessen the redness or swelling. The first available appointment was at 3:30. The girls played and ate and napped - all the normal toddler things - but Zara whined through each stage. I could tell she was uncomfortable and I just kept looking at the clock, willing it to be 3:30. When we got in to see the doc he was alarmed. I believe his exact words were "Wow, that's a rash." He said it was probably something viral and to just ride it out. During that visit we learned Violet's covid test came back negative. The doctor said we should test Zara for covid too for everyone's piece of mind. He sent it to Children's. We were supposed to receive results back within 24 hours. He told us to give her zyrtec in the morning and benadryl at night and to call if the rash wasn't better in a couple days.
The weekend was met with lots of tears from teething and crankiness. We had two naps a day instead of the usual one. We snuggled more. We went on long walks. I figured they were fighting some unnamed viral thing and teething. Life's rough for 16 month olds who can't tell you what's wrong. We had a lot of sweet moments and we had a lot of moments where I thought "I need a break."
Monday morning came and we had no test results. I called the ped's office and was met with a generic "when we have results, we'll call you" response. Irritating. I went to our old house to meet the carpet cleaner, wet mop the kitchen/foyer and sweep out the garage. We were closing Tuesday and those final items needed done before the buyer's final walk through. I got home around 10:30 and Alex was "done with them". They fought over who got to sit on his lap, pulled hair, screamed and cried the entire time I was gone. I gave them a snack because food fixes everything. Bellies full, they took naps and I tried to get some work done. The afternoon proceeded without incident. Around 3:30 my phone rang. The girls were eating another snack. I was washing sippy cups. I answered the phone, relieved to finally get the negative result.
"Mrs. Taylor?"
"Yes."
"Um, I'm calling with your daughter's covid test results."
"Yes."
"She tested positive."
silence.
"Mrs. Taylor?"
I dropped the sippy cup I was holding and heard it clank against the bottom of the sink. I turned off the water.
"h-h-h-how is that possible?"
I felt like I'd been slapped in the face. I looked up and saw my sweet baby girl smiling at me as she ate some cheerios. How does she have covid?
We went through symptoms, of which there were none, at least none of the "typical" ones. A rash. That's it. She had a rash for several days that didn't react to cortisone cream but got better with antihistamines. At this point the rash was gone. I asked for, nay I demanded a retest. She said she'd have to call me back.
An hour later she called me back and said we could retest Zara the next day. I felt validated, like somehow I was right and she did not have covid and this re-test would prove it.
I texted my sister-in-law. I had sent her pictures of the girls rashes in the days prior because she too has 2 kids and is in the medical field and knows stuff. Her kids also happen to go to the same day care as my girls. I asked her if I should call the director of day care. She said yes. I left a voicemail for the director - "Hi This is Erin Taylor. I'd like to discuss the results of Zara's covid test with you." Never has a voicemail ever been returned so quickly... We went through the timeline of when the girls were pulled from day care and when the rash appeared on Zara. Her tone of voice kept inching higher and higher the longer we talked until it was just a squeak. She said she'd have to call the Warren County Health Department but was hopeful they were in the clear since Zara hadn't been in care since Tuesday and it was now Monday evening of the following week. (Turns out they were not in the clear and no infants/toddlers + siblings are allowed back in the building until 8/19 because of exposure so I have that to feel guilty about for the next 50 years.)
The next day I received a call from the Warren County Health Department to discuss Zara's symptoms and the quarantine plan. The nurse from my ped's office had told me Zara would need to remain in quarantine until 8/16 and she could return to day care, with Violet, on 8/17. The woman from the Warren County Health Department reiterated this same time line and then said "and of course you and anyone else in the home that has been exposed will need to quarantine 14 days past that." Excuse me, what? 8/29. Alex and I are to remain in quarantine until 8/29. I thought I was going to lose my ever lovin' mind. Head spinning, I called day care and reiterated these dates. She said she'd have to check with their Director of Health to see if the girls could return to care on the 17th while Alex and I were still in quarantine. She asked if both girls could be re-tested because the Health Department would prefer them to both have negative results on a re-test prior to returning to care. They were supposed to switch to a new day care on 8/24. I had to call the Director there too and explain the situation and ask if they could start on the 24th while Alex and I were still supposed to be quarantined. She, too, had to check. I called my boss. We went through options. We decided I would continue working during naps and after bedtime and over the weekends until that wasn't an option any more. We would revisit the conversation when I had more information.
Yesterday both day cares let me know the girls could not be in care while Alex and I were in quarantine. Out of government covid PTO and extra PTO days provided by work for covid related needs I had two options - 1. use all my vacation/personal time to stay home for the next two weeks working odd hours whenever I could or go on leave and not work at all for the next two weeks. For the last two weeks I've been working during every nap time, after almost every bed time and for more extended periods of time over the weekend when Alex could watch them and I could just zone in and focus on work. That isn't a productive schedule for any human that needs to do things like cook and clean and sleep. I hate when my focus is split and I was not giving my all to my job. For the last two weeks I've felt behind, ashamed that I'm behind, and just overwhelmed with everything I wanted to get done and simply couldn't. The thought of having two more weeks of that was so very unappealing. But the thought of not working at all, not getting anything work related done, not being the point of contact or the smile to brighten someone's day over the phone was just gut wrenching. I LOVE my job. I love the points of contact I have with everyone in the organization. I love running reports and sending invites and ordering stuff off amazon and yelling at vendors. I love it all. And not being able to do what I love in order to be with who I love most was a very hard decision to make. When I came to terms with the fact that I needed a break, which meant I needed to not work for two weeks while I'm home in quarantine, I called my boss.
I said, "I don't like it, but I need to go on leave."
He said, "I'm relieved you've come to this conclusion, because I was trying to figure out how to tell you you should take this time and go on leave."
Somehow I managed to keep it together on that phone call. He needed to get some more answers from HR and I needed to send him info in writing from both day cares. We talked through logistics. I said I'd send a list of all the things that need done in my absence and who I felt would be best suited to do each thing. Then we hung up and I cried. I cried because I feel like I'm letting so many people down by not being able to be a full time stay at home mom and a full time Project Coordinator. I cried because someone else has to do my job while I'm out, without notice. I cried because I'm overwhelmed and I don't have answers to all of my questions and I know I never will. I cried because I'm thankful to have a boss and a team who want me to focus on what matters and let them take care of the work.
This morning, during nap time, I did everything I could to tie up outstanding items and send my boss information that would help him in the coming weeks. Then I clocked out for what feels like the last time ever and cried some more. I'm crying now writing this because I'm just so grateful. My babies are doing great. We probably won't have the results of the re-tests until Monday and the doctor said negative results wouldn't prove a false positive due to the time that has lapsed since the initial tests. He said it's more likely that Violet's result was a false negative than Zara's was a false positive. He said this is the first case of covid he's seen in a child this young, but that we are lucky because it appears to be a mild case. She still hasn't had a fever this whole time and isn't showing any other signs of illness. Alex and I went ahead and got tested today. A negative result for us doesn't change the quarantine period but our primary care thought it would be wise to get tested anyway in case we're positive and just asymptomatic.
Covid is wild, y'all. We did everything we could to keep this virus away and it nuzzled its way into our lives anyway. Sometimes I feel guilty that I work because if I didn't work then the girls would be home and Zara wouldn't have covid right now. But then I realize that's silly and there is no way to ever know where she got it from (or if she actually has it) and guilt is a waste of time. I know two things - 1. I am meant to be a working mom. 2. I am meant to be home right now for this short period of time. Those two things can coincide at once within me. Being a mom is THE MOST challenging, rewarding, frustrating, wonderful, beautiful thing I've ever experienced. My team at work has my back. My job right now is to spend time with my beautiful babes in this weird season of quarantine. This too shall pass, but I hope it doesn't pass too fast. I want to cherish these moment, however hard it was to get here.
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