Delayed

You ever just feel like you're failing your kids?

Neither one of the girls hit all the developmental markers at 6 or 9 months according to the ASQs day care sent home to be filled out. I was kind of just letting my babies be babies and wasn't testing their fine motor or problem solving skills by seeing if they could drop a cheerio in a bottle or pick up a piece of thread. I wasn't trying to force new gross motor skills like pulling up on furniture or learning to crawl. I figured it would happen when it happened. 

After turning in the 9 month ASQs day care recommended we have the girls assessed by Help Me Grow, an early intervention program that focuses on helping parents help their kids develop and hit milestones where there are observed delays. We consulted our pediatrician at the girls' 9 month appointment and got a rave review on Help Me Grow. Our Ped and his wife used Help Me Grow to work through some language delays for two of their kids with hearing impairments. He said he wasn't concerned with where either of the girls were developmentally due to being preemies but that a little help from trained therapists couldn't hurt. Most kids phase out of the program well before age 3.

It took over a month to get a home visit scheduled. The first visit was just paperwork. I answered approximately 100 questions about the girls language, fine & gross motor. problem solving and social skills, as well as feeding, diapering and overall daily routine information. Another couple of weeks went by before we had an in-home assessment. It took a couple of hours and two therapists testing the girls' skill level in every category with a series of games using toys and other objects. I got the results of these "tests" right away. All categories were scored on a 10 point system, where they want kids to be at a 7 or above. Zara scored 7s & 8s in most categories with a few 6s scattered throughout. Violet scored mostly 6s and 7s with a 4 in gross motor. We set goals for the girls to achieve within 6 months. 

Zara's goals were:

1. Zara will be able to walk from room to room to play and explore.

2. Zara will be able to eat a variety of foods of different textures without gagging/vomiting.

Violet only had one goal:

1. Violet will be able to walk from room to room to play and explore. 

They were both below the average marker in language but the Occupational Therapist said this is normal when kids are working so hard on fine and gross motor. She said it would be the best use of time to focus on gross motor and then go back and make a new goal focusing on language once we achieved these goals.

Our first visit was scheduled for the beginning of March with an Occupational Therapist (OT). Covid made all of our visits turn into virtual sessions. When we started in March Zara was army crawling and Violet wasn't crawling at all. Zara was interested in pulling herself up on objects but lacked the leg strength to do it most of the time and would just fall back down. Violet was content to just sit or lay where she was and couldn't consistently/smoothly transition herself from sitting to laying or vice versa. They were about 11 months old at the time. 

We met the OT via zoom every other week in the beginning. About three months in we switched to meeting every three weeks. Our sessions consisted of the girls trying to grab the computer screen half of the time and the other half of the time playing together or independently while the OT watched and gave me pointers for things to try to get them moving or to strengthen a new skill. Zara did all of the gross motor things first, sometimes by a month or more, but Violet did most of the fine motor and critical thinking things (stacking blocks, putting toys away, etc.) first and also didn't struggle with food of any type/texture. We were really pleased with their progress until I filled out the 16 month ASQ. I was really questioning if we were just terrible parents until I realized that they weren't even 15 months old yet and the questionnaire says to fill it out from 15 months 0 days - 16 months 30 days. I got frustrated day care was even having me fill it out so early and decided to give myself and the girls a lot of grace. At their 15 month appointment I asked about the areas they were "behind" in and my ped told me to throw the ASQ out the window as long as they were babbling, showing signs of understanding and walking by 18 months.  He told me to consider how far they had come and be proud of their progress so I went back through all the follow up notes from every session with the OT and made the below list of accomplishments from March to June of all the things they could now do:

- crawl

- crawl up steps

- sit completely unsupported for extended periods of time

- pull themselves up on furniture

- walk along furniture with ease

- transition from sitting to standing and vice versa without difficulty

- pick up objects on the ground while standing (crouching or bending over to pick up the objects without falling)

- walk with mom or dad's hands or with push toy

- stand for short periods of time without assistance

- take a few steps without assistance

- find objects hidden from view (they were especially good at finding our phones when we would put them behind a couch cushion or in our pockets)

- play independently

- stack objects

- put toys "away" in bins

- eat all varieties of textures of foods. (Zara was pretty much only eating purees and puffs at the time of our assessment because she gagged on everything else we tried.)

- imitate sounds (mama, dada, yaya, etc.)

Since then they have both started walking, climbing on furniture, using gestures like pointing, waving and lifting arms in the air when they want up, and testing mom and dad's limits. They understand a lot more words than they let on. Sometimes they follow directions like "sit, please" and "give the toy back to your sister" and other times they do not follow directions and try to dive off the back of the couch or run away with the stolen toy leaving the kid without the toy to dissolve in tears. They still do not have many words. Violet says mama and dada. The other day she said 'up' but I haven't been able to get her to say it again. Zara says mama, dada, hi and uh oh. When we moved we moved into a new county so we had to be paired with new specialists/therapists in Butler County. There was a few week lag while paperwork was processed. I felt the girls had reached their goals from March so we set a new goal, that the girls would be able to communicate their needs during meals and playtime using words or signs. I'm really excited about this goal and am hoping to be more disciplined in learning and using sign language with them over the course of the next several months. We were paired with a developmental specialist and had our first virtual session since early July this week. She gave us a few signs to use consistently and told us to use lots of repetition when playing and doing things around the house (saying "up" and "down" every time we pick them up or put them down, saying "in" and "out" any time we put a toy in a bin or take a toy out, etc.)

I looked at the 15 month ASQ again today. They are almost 17 months old now but if you go by adjusted age since they were 4 weeks premature they're still in the window for the questionnaire. I was shocked to see that Violet is on the board in every category! Zara is only below the standard in one category. It makes me really proud to see the change in the last two months since I last filled out this ASQ.

So I guess the take away here is that it's ok to let babies be babies sometimes and not stress about when they will hit every developmental marker. The most important thing is that your baby is happy. They learn the most through playing and exploring and just being with you. Once we knew how to help them start to crawl and walk it didn't feel like work to help them with these skills and they mastered them in no time! There is so much stress surrounding parenting and it's just unnecessary. It's easy to compare the girls to other baby friends or even to each other, but that's not fair. I should only compare them to their past selves. As long as they are progressing and learning new skills and are happy in the process I'm doing everything right. Ok, maybe not everything, but whatever. I'm a passably decent mother. Some would say even better than decent!