Breastfeeding in the hospital was a blur. Four days of doctors and nurses coming in and out of the room at all hours. The girls needed fed every three hours. A nurse would bring me one or both babies and I would attempt to nurse for 15 minutes and then they would be bottle fed 30-45 ML by Alex or my parents or a nurse while I pumped. I didn't get more than a drop of colostrum here or there, which we gave to the girls on our finger tip or via a syringe. I met with lactation consultants multiple times. They helped me nurse, assessed the latch, gave me tips. It was overall a very positive experience. I figured it was normal to have to supplement with formula with twins. After all, there are two of them and only one of me.
The last day at the hospital I had an eye opening conversation with a lactation consultant. She told me that because of my anatomy (the space between my breasts) it was not likely I would be able to nurse my babies exclusively. She said I was fighting multiple factors that weren't helping with nursing:
1. The girls were born 4 weeks early. My body wasn't 'ready' to produce milk.
2. I had a c-section delivery so the hormones that are released during a vaginal birth to tell your body to start producing milk simply weren't there.
3. Premature babies are called "pretenders" meaning they suckle but don't always suck well when on the breast. This can make it so there isn't enough stimulation to really get milk production going. Preemies can stay in this "pretenders" phase for a month or more.
4. My anatomy wasn't "ideal" for milk production.
5. It can take up to 12 weeks for your milk production to stabilize so I may have to wait a while to find out how much milk I could actually produce. (I would be back at work before my milk stabilized and then what was I going to do? Milk production statistically decreases when mommas go back to work because they have to pump at work which does not provide as much stimulation as breastfeeding, and therefore, production suffers.)
The lactation consultant suggested we rent a hospital grade pump. It would provide more stimulation than the pump provided through insurance, which I would need if I wanted to be successful. She told me to not get discouraged if I wasn't getting anything out of the pump and to never pump more than 15 minutes at a time. She said pumping was about stimulation, not actual production. I carried on nursing, bottle feeding, pumping for several weeks after we got home. The first week we were concerned with Zara's weight. The doctor had me nurse for 15 minutes while at the doctor's office. She weighed her before and after the feeding and the difference was one ounce. I was so excited. I thought maybe I can do this. Maybe I can exclusively nurse my girls!
Oh how wrong I was. My sister, mom, and some friends checked on me regularly - How's nursing going? Are you still supplementing? What formula are you using? Do they take a bottle ok? How are you feeling? The questions became exhausting, not because they were bad questions, but because everyone was so concerned with how I was doing. The more I answered the "how-is-breastfeeding-going" question the more discouraged I became. Rehashing exactly how it was going to friends and family members on the daily was incredibly disheartening.
Every time I said it was difficult, or I wasn't producing enough or I was feeling discouraged I was met with so much encouragement it was overwhelming. So many responses were filled with "you can do it" or "it's ok if you decide to go the formula route" or "fed is best; do what is right for you and your girls". No one told me I was worthless or laughed in my face or told me to give up. The problem with mom guilt is it often doesn't come from other mothers. It comes from within. It's the small voice in the back of your head saying "you can't do this; you are a failure if you have to use formula; your body can't provide for your girls; you are weak if you give up now."
Around week five I had an online consult with a Lactation Consultant. She gave me some good tips. She told me to power pump (7 minutes at a time, 3x in an hour) after every feeding. I tried this method for two weeks. I was surprised and delighted to see that my pumping volume had increased. Now, when I say it had increased I mean it went from a few drops-10 ML in a session to about an ounce in a session. By this time Violet was already eating 4 ounces of formula each feed. (She's now up to 6-9 ounces a feed. She's a tank.) I came to the sad realization that my ounce here or there was a drop in the metaphorical bucket of formula. Was it worth all the time I was spending breastfeeding, then bottle feeding, then pumping? Some would say yes, every little bit from mom helps. But at the beginning of week 8 I decided that no, it was not worth it and I accepted the sad truth that once I went back to work what little production I had ramped up would quickly dwindle. I decided I should spend my last week at home enjoying as much time with my girls as possible and that meant I had to say goodbye to the pump. I returned the hospital grade pump and never looked back.
Maybe if I had gone full term or hadn't had a c-section or had gotten my hands on some supplements that supposedly help milk production or drank more water or done yoga standing on my head I would have been successful. Or maybe I wasn't meant to breastfeed. There is so much pressure around raising kids, and like I said, most of it is internal. By giving up on myself I invested in my girls. I have more time with them because I'm not pumping or thinking about pumping or washing pump parts or freaking out when some precious breast milk spills. I also don't have leaky breasts so there's another plus. haha.
My co-worker, Jess, recommended a Netflix show called "Workin' Moms". As the title suggests, it is about a group of moms in a "mommy and me" group. It follows all the moms' lives and the ups and downs of motherhood. From there I found a show called "The Letdown". Same idea for the show, except it primarily follows one woman's journey. Her baby doesn't sleep and she's struggling with some mom norms, like breastfeeding, bonding, loving her body after baby, etc. I watched this show and I watched the main character walk around with disheveled hair and bags under her eyes and I felt better about my life. My girls eat well, they sleep well (8-12 hours a night!), they have great temperaments. I don't feel disheveled. I don't feel discouraged or lost or unsure of what I'm doing. (usually. ha) I know how to love my babies and for me that love doesn't include breastfeeding anymore.
I started thinking about how these shows are the complete opposite of most of the family shows on TV. They're realistic. They don't pretend everything is dandy. They show when life isn't. And it made me think about musicals, how emotions are put into song and when you're complaining in rhyming prose everyone hums and bobs their head along. Why isn't there a musical about breastfeeding? (Or is there and I just haven't heard about it?) Talking about women's bodies is so taboo but I think there is some real gold here. If I were writing a musical about my life with twins it would feature some of the following hits:
1. Your Foot's In My Birth Canal - this song would be about my birth story leading up to the first time I held my girls and simultaneously breastfed them and felt a glimmer of hope that I could do this.
2. Who's Hands Are These? - this song would be a transitional song talking about the 100% lack of modesty that took over shortly before giving birth and continued for the first few weeks after birth. SO MANY people touched my breasts in the first few days in the hospital. It was hard to keep track of who was who.
3. Please Let Me Sleep - this song would go through the torture of being woken up two minutes after I finally fell asleep every time so I could breastfeed yet again.
4. Pumping, Pumping, Pumping - this would be a mostly chanting song. It would be irritating, reminiscent of the whirring sound that fills the room when you are pumping.
5. Breast Is Best And All The Rest - this would be a song about all the mom-isms. It would breakdown the stereotypes we all subscribe to and the negative self talk we put ourselves through.
6. Formula Is Your Friend - this would be a coming-to-terms-with-my-life song where I learn to embrace the fact that formula exists. It would be emotional and ultimately end with multiple key changes and a full chorus singing "formula is your friend. It will be with you til the end, except it's only good for an hour because after that it goes sour. It stains your clothes and smells horrible, but it nourishes your baby, so maybe, just maybe, formula is your friend."
7. Which Nipple Is Best? - this would be a song about the many bottle/nipple options. It would be fast and frenzied sounding because let's all just admit that the options are overwhelming and no one wants to buy five different bottles just to see which ones your babies will like.
8. The Triple Feed - As the title suggests, this would be a ballad about breastfeeding, bottle feeding and pumping. It would probably be in a minor key and end on a dissonance that your ear so desperately wants to resolve, as a nod to the annoyance of living in the triple feed world.
9. Love Your Body - This would be a full chorus number about loving your post baby body, no matter what that looks like. We're all different. We're all beautiful, whether your boobs work or not.
The last day at the hospital I had an eye opening conversation with a lactation consultant. She told me that because of my anatomy (the space between my breasts) it was not likely I would be able to nurse my babies exclusively. She said I was fighting multiple factors that weren't helping with nursing:
1. The girls were born 4 weeks early. My body wasn't 'ready' to produce milk.
2. I had a c-section delivery so the hormones that are released during a vaginal birth to tell your body to start producing milk simply weren't there.
3. Premature babies are called "pretenders" meaning they suckle but don't always suck well when on the breast. This can make it so there isn't enough stimulation to really get milk production going. Preemies can stay in this "pretenders" phase for a month or more.
4. My anatomy wasn't "ideal" for milk production.
5. It can take up to 12 weeks for your milk production to stabilize so I may have to wait a while to find out how much milk I could actually produce. (I would be back at work before my milk stabilized and then what was I going to do? Milk production statistically decreases when mommas go back to work because they have to pump at work which does not provide as much stimulation as breastfeeding, and therefore, production suffers.)
The lactation consultant suggested we rent a hospital grade pump. It would provide more stimulation than the pump provided through insurance, which I would need if I wanted to be successful. She told me to not get discouraged if I wasn't getting anything out of the pump and to never pump more than 15 minutes at a time. She said pumping was about stimulation, not actual production. I carried on nursing, bottle feeding, pumping for several weeks after we got home. The first week we were concerned with Zara's weight. The doctor had me nurse for 15 minutes while at the doctor's office. She weighed her before and after the feeding and the difference was one ounce. I was so excited. I thought maybe I can do this. Maybe I can exclusively nurse my girls!
Oh how wrong I was. My sister, mom, and some friends checked on me regularly - How's nursing going? Are you still supplementing? What formula are you using? Do they take a bottle ok? How are you feeling? The questions became exhausting, not because they were bad questions, but because everyone was so concerned with how I was doing. The more I answered the "how-is-breastfeeding-going" question the more discouraged I became. Rehashing exactly how it was going to friends and family members on the daily was incredibly disheartening.
Every time I said it was difficult, or I wasn't producing enough or I was feeling discouraged I was met with so much encouragement it was overwhelming. So many responses were filled with "you can do it" or "it's ok if you decide to go the formula route" or "fed is best; do what is right for you and your girls". No one told me I was worthless or laughed in my face or told me to give up. The problem with mom guilt is it often doesn't come from other mothers. It comes from within. It's the small voice in the back of your head saying "you can't do this; you are a failure if you have to use formula; your body can't provide for your girls; you are weak if you give up now."
Around week five I had an online consult with a Lactation Consultant. She gave me some good tips. She told me to power pump (7 minutes at a time, 3x in an hour) after every feeding. I tried this method for two weeks. I was surprised and delighted to see that my pumping volume had increased. Now, when I say it had increased I mean it went from a few drops-10 ML in a session to about an ounce in a session. By this time Violet was already eating 4 ounces of formula each feed. (She's now up to 6-9 ounces a feed. She's a tank.) I came to the sad realization that my ounce here or there was a drop in the metaphorical bucket of formula. Was it worth all the time I was spending breastfeeding, then bottle feeding, then pumping? Some would say yes, every little bit from mom helps. But at the beginning of week 8 I decided that no, it was not worth it and I accepted the sad truth that once I went back to work what little production I had ramped up would quickly dwindle. I decided I should spend my last week at home enjoying as much time with my girls as possible and that meant I had to say goodbye to the pump. I returned the hospital grade pump and never looked back.
Maybe if I had gone full term or hadn't had a c-section or had gotten my hands on some supplements that supposedly help milk production or drank more water or done yoga standing on my head I would have been successful. Or maybe I wasn't meant to breastfeed. There is so much pressure around raising kids, and like I said, most of it is internal. By giving up on myself I invested in my girls. I have more time with them because I'm not pumping or thinking about pumping or washing pump parts or freaking out when some precious breast milk spills. I also don't have leaky breasts so there's another plus. haha.
My co-worker, Jess, recommended a Netflix show called "Workin' Moms". As the title suggests, it is about a group of moms in a "mommy and me" group. It follows all the moms' lives and the ups and downs of motherhood. From there I found a show called "The Letdown". Same idea for the show, except it primarily follows one woman's journey. Her baby doesn't sleep and she's struggling with some mom norms, like breastfeeding, bonding, loving her body after baby, etc. I watched this show and I watched the main character walk around with disheveled hair and bags under her eyes and I felt better about my life. My girls eat well, they sleep well (8-12 hours a night!), they have great temperaments. I don't feel disheveled. I don't feel discouraged or lost or unsure of what I'm doing. (usually. ha) I know how to love my babies and for me that love doesn't include breastfeeding anymore.
I started thinking about how these shows are the complete opposite of most of the family shows on TV. They're realistic. They don't pretend everything is dandy. They show when life isn't. And it made me think about musicals, how emotions are put into song and when you're complaining in rhyming prose everyone hums and bobs their head along. Why isn't there a musical about breastfeeding? (Or is there and I just haven't heard about it?) Talking about women's bodies is so taboo but I think there is some real gold here. If I were writing a musical about my life with twins it would feature some of the following hits:
1. Your Foot's In My Birth Canal - this song would be about my birth story leading up to the first time I held my girls and simultaneously breastfed them and felt a glimmer of hope that I could do this.
2. Who's Hands Are These? - this song would be a transitional song talking about the 100% lack of modesty that took over shortly before giving birth and continued for the first few weeks after birth. SO MANY people touched my breasts in the first few days in the hospital. It was hard to keep track of who was who.
3. Please Let Me Sleep - this song would go through the torture of being woken up two minutes after I finally fell asleep every time so I could breastfeed yet again.
4. Pumping, Pumping, Pumping - this would be a mostly chanting song. It would be irritating, reminiscent of the whirring sound that fills the room when you are pumping.
5. Breast Is Best And All The Rest - this would be a song about all the mom-isms. It would breakdown the stereotypes we all subscribe to and the negative self talk we put ourselves through.
6. Formula Is Your Friend - this would be a coming-to-terms-with-my-life song where I learn to embrace the fact that formula exists. It would be emotional and ultimately end with multiple key changes and a full chorus singing "formula is your friend. It will be with you til the end, except it's only good for an hour because after that it goes sour. It stains your clothes and smells horrible, but it nourishes your baby, so maybe, just maybe, formula is your friend."
7. Which Nipple Is Best? - this would be a song about the many bottle/nipple options. It would be fast and frenzied sounding because let's all just admit that the options are overwhelming and no one wants to buy five different bottles just to see which ones your babies will like.
8. The Triple Feed - As the title suggests, this would be a ballad about breastfeeding, bottle feeding and pumping. It would probably be in a minor key and end on a dissonance that your ear so desperately wants to resolve, as a nod to the annoyance of living in the triple feed world.
9. Love Your Body - This would be a full chorus number about loving your post baby body, no matter what that looks like. We're all different. We're all beautiful, whether your boobs work or not.
Amazing! I would 100% see this musical! 💕
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