I had a doctor's appointment on Monday. I figured it would just be the usual routine - check my weight and blood pressure, measure the fundal height (how big my belly is), listen to their heartbeats, and be on my way.
The nurse grabbed my weight and blood pressure and said the doc would be right in. When he walked into the examination room he said "It's time for you to slow down, hon. You need to stop working."
Tears. Immediate tears.
He let me cry. He measured my belly and got their heartbeats. He asked if the babies are still moving around good for me. I shook my head yes as the tears kept streaming down my face.
He wiped the goop off my belly and helped me sit up. He gave me some tissues.
"Why are you crying?"
"Because I don't want to be done with work."
"Your blood pressure is too high. We need to get it under control and you working full time is not getting it under control."
"What is my blood pressure?"
"138/91. It's not irreversible but we don't want to get to a place where it's over 150."
"I have a manager's meeting this week. Can I just work one more week?"
He chuckled. "It doesn't work that way. You need to rest now. Manager's meeting. What does that mean?"
"All my managers from all 22 of my properties are coming to Cincinnati for a three day meeting. I want to be there."
"Hmm. Will you be on your feet all three days?"
"I don't need to be. It's off site. I can sit most of the time."
"If I allow you to do half days will you keep your feet up while you're there and rest while you are home?"
"Yes."
"Ok. I want to see you Thursday. If your blood pressure hasn't improved you'll need to be on full bed rest."
"Ok."
More tears.
"We knew this day would come. I told you in the beginning you could be on bed rest as early as 26 weeks."
"I know, but I was hoping this day would not come."
"Hoping doesn't get you healthy. We need to get you to at least 36 weeks."
I was 34 weeks on Monday and the thought of 1. delivering in two weeks and 2. being on partial or full bed rest until then was equal parts terrifying and frustrating. Yes, I know a lot of twin moms aren't working full time at this stage. I know a lot of twin moms never even make it to 34 weeks. I know my babies are measuring 2-3 weeks ahead of schedule and that if they were to be born today they most likely wouldn't require much (or any) time in the NICU. I know I am incredibly blessed and fortunate to have carried them so well, but I just was not prepared for him to walk in that room and tell me I was done. It was like he was saying your life will never be the same starting today. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. Where was the warning?
I tried to calm myself down the whole way to the office but it wasn't working. I realized if I just sat in my car I might cry all day so I went inside. I walked into my bosses office and shut the door.
He looked up at my tear stained face and opened his mouth to say something. I cut him off before he could:
"I'm sorry. I'm a mess and I can't stop crying. My doctor wants me on partial bed rest. He wants me to stop working."
"Then you should stop working."
"I don't want to. I negotiated half days. I can be at the meeting for half of the time."
"Erin, your health is more important than this meeting."
"I know. But I can't be done. I just can't."
"Do what you need to do, but know you can leave at any time. You can work from home. You can not work from home and just rest. No one is keeping you here but yourself."
"I know."
More tears.
"We both knew this day would come."
"I'm just not ready."
"You never fully are."
Then I went to HR and sobbed through the whole thing again. And then I went to my DMs and sobbed through the whole thing again. Everyone was super supportive because that's who they are. I was deflated. Defeated. I thought this is it. You have until Thursday to get everything in line and be done because your blood pressure isn't going to improve and you're not going to be able to work anymore.
I got through the next few days with my feet up at the meeting and my feet up at home. I didn't cook or clean or do anything really when I was home. I read more of my pregnancy books because I figured I should absorb some more information if I had less than two weeks before the girls arrive. I went through my inbox and sent a bajillion emails to my boss and my counter part with information/instructions on various open items in an effort to tidy up any outstanding items in case I didn't return to the office.
Yesterday morning I went to the doctor's office for my appointment, fully ready for my doctor to say we gave it a try and now it was time to stop working entirely. The nurse got my weight and blood pressure - 124/70 something - much improved, but still not as low as it had been my entire pregnancy up until this past week. My doctor came in. He told me I could keep working half days as long as the swelling stayed down and I continued to rest when I was home. I couldn't believe my ears. He said he was comfortable with me going to 38 weeks as long as I kept everything in line. He looked at the calendar. Saturday, 4/13 is c-section day. At Liberty Center.
Just like that. Done.
What a difference a few days makes! (And you know, resting).
I am happy to have a date. I am relieved to know my blood pressure is back within a normal range and that the fear of preeclampsia is gone. I am relieved to have a few more weeks to prepare and I am realizing that a lot of people are not so lucky.
God is so good. He provides in the big and the small things. The lesson this week is that I need to slow down and it's ok to slow down. I'm making humans after all. And that is more important work than anything else I could be doing right now. Resting does not come easily for me. But I know that once these babies are here and I am pulling my hair out changing diapers at 4 am every night I will remember the time I had to regroup, refresh, and rest before their arrival. Rest is a blessing I will not take for granted these last three weeks.
The nurse grabbed my weight and blood pressure and said the doc would be right in. When he walked into the examination room he said "It's time for you to slow down, hon. You need to stop working."
Tears. Immediate tears.
He let me cry. He measured my belly and got their heartbeats. He asked if the babies are still moving around good for me. I shook my head yes as the tears kept streaming down my face.
He wiped the goop off my belly and helped me sit up. He gave me some tissues.
"Why are you crying?"
"Because I don't want to be done with work."
"Your blood pressure is too high. We need to get it under control and you working full time is not getting it under control."
"What is my blood pressure?"
"138/91. It's not irreversible but we don't want to get to a place where it's over 150."
"I have a manager's meeting this week. Can I just work one more week?"
He chuckled. "It doesn't work that way. You need to rest now. Manager's meeting. What does that mean?"
"All my managers from all 22 of my properties are coming to Cincinnati for a three day meeting. I want to be there."
"Hmm. Will you be on your feet all three days?"
"I don't need to be. It's off site. I can sit most of the time."
"If I allow you to do half days will you keep your feet up while you're there and rest while you are home?"
"Yes."
"Ok. I want to see you Thursday. If your blood pressure hasn't improved you'll need to be on full bed rest."
"Ok."
More tears.
"We knew this day would come. I told you in the beginning you could be on bed rest as early as 26 weeks."
"I know, but I was hoping this day would not come."
"Hoping doesn't get you healthy. We need to get you to at least 36 weeks."
I was 34 weeks on Monday and the thought of 1. delivering in two weeks and 2. being on partial or full bed rest until then was equal parts terrifying and frustrating. Yes, I know a lot of twin moms aren't working full time at this stage. I know a lot of twin moms never even make it to 34 weeks. I know my babies are measuring 2-3 weeks ahead of schedule and that if they were to be born today they most likely wouldn't require much (or any) time in the NICU. I know I am incredibly blessed and fortunate to have carried them so well, but I just was not prepared for him to walk in that room and tell me I was done. It was like he was saying your life will never be the same starting today. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. Where was the warning?
I tried to calm myself down the whole way to the office but it wasn't working. I realized if I just sat in my car I might cry all day so I went inside. I walked into my bosses office and shut the door.
He looked up at my tear stained face and opened his mouth to say something. I cut him off before he could:
"I'm sorry. I'm a mess and I can't stop crying. My doctor wants me on partial bed rest. He wants me to stop working."
"Then you should stop working."
"I don't want to. I negotiated half days. I can be at the meeting for half of the time."
"Erin, your health is more important than this meeting."
"I know. But I can't be done. I just can't."
"Do what you need to do, but know you can leave at any time. You can work from home. You can not work from home and just rest. No one is keeping you here but yourself."
"I know."
More tears.
"We both knew this day would come."
"I'm just not ready."
"You never fully are."
Then I went to HR and sobbed through the whole thing again. And then I went to my DMs and sobbed through the whole thing again. Everyone was super supportive because that's who they are. I was deflated. Defeated. I thought this is it. You have until Thursday to get everything in line and be done because your blood pressure isn't going to improve and you're not going to be able to work anymore.
I got through the next few days with my feet up at the meeting and my feet up at home. I didn't cook or clean or do anything really when I was home. I read more of my pregnancy books because I figured I should absorb some more information if I had less than two weeks before the girls arrive. I went through my inbox and sent a bajillion emails to my boss and my counter part with information/instructions on various open items in an effort to tidy up any outstanding items in case I didn't return to the office.
Yesterday morning I went to the doctor's office for my appointment, fully ready for my doctor to say we gave it a try and now it was time to stop working entirely. The nurse got my weight and blood pressure - 124/70 something - much improved, but still not as low as it had been my entire pregnancy up until this past week. My doctor came in. He told me I could keep working half days as long as the swelling stayed down and I continued to rest when I was home. I couldn't believe my ears. He said he was comfortable with me going to 38 weeks as long as I kept everything in line. He looked at the calendar. Saturday, 4/13 is c-section day. At Liberty Center.
Just like that. Done.
What a difference a few days makes! (And you know, resting).
I am happy to have a date. I am relieved to know my blood pressure is back within a normal range and that the fear of preeclampsia is gone. I am relieved to have a few more weeks to prepare and I am realizing that a lot of people are not so lucky.
God is so good. He provides in the big and the small things. The lesson this week is that I need to slow down and it's ok to slow down. I'm making humans after all. And that is more important work than anything else I could be doing right now. Resting does not come easily for me. But I know that once these babies are here and I am pulling my hair out changing diapers at 4 am every night I will remember the time I had to regroup, refresh, and rest before their arrival. Rest is a blessing I will not take for granted these last three weeks.
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