My doctor asked me last week what I'm planning to do for work. This is about how the conversation went:
Doc: "What are you planning to do for work?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
Doc: "You work full time, right? When are you planning on taking a step back?"
Me: *pause* "I'm not."
Doc: "There may come a day when you cannot work full time anymore."
Me: "I'm working until you tell me I can't."
Doc: *sigh* "We'll see where you are in two weeks."
Me: "Do you think I'll have to go on bed rest?"
Doc: "We'll see."
Me (internally screaming): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
This conversation took place after my 28 week ultrasound, where I learned that my babies were much closer to 3 pounds than 2 pounds. They were measuring somewhere between 29-30 weeks. I know in my head that most twin pregnancies deliver between 36-37 weeks but I decided months ago that I'd have a scheduled c-section at 38 weeks. (Like me deciding it made it so.)
In short, I'm not mentally prepared to have these babies before April 15th. But I realize that my mental state has nothing to do with it. These babies will come when they are ready to come and it most likely will not be when I am ready - how does one even become ready though really? I probably wouldn't be ready at 38 weeks so there is no real difference between 36 and 38 weeks aside from my anxiety with running out of time.
There are so many things I want to accomplish at work before I leave. I need to finish the nursery. The guest closest still needs cleaned out. I have two more showers and will have gifts that need sorted and organized. We'll need to make the big purchases with gift cards we have gotten. We'll need to take inventory of clothing, remove tags, wash and organize by size, make returns where necessary, and the list goes on.
Do you know I had to have my sister in law explain strollers to me? My mind couldn't comprehend what I needed to register for and how the car seats would click in. How could I possibly be ready to bring babies home in less than 2 months when I don't even know how to install a car seat in my car yet?
I need a breast pump. I need to research placenta encapsulation. (more on this later)
My mind just reels with all the things I want to do and all the anxiety I have about doing these things and/or running out of time.
I haven't bitten my nails in years. But Monday night I bit every single one off. I didn't have a full out ugly melt down. I had a slow one where I meticulously gnawed at every nail until they were all destroyed. There were no tears, no bursts of sudden emotion. Just a chill breakdown in my kitchen by myself. I guess the anxiety is finally kicking in.
Now before you panic and send me an encouraging note or call me to tell me everything will be ok - I know this. I know all of this is totally normal and that all first time moms have reservations and feelings of inadequacy. I have a tribe of family and friends who will support me and walk with me through the next phase of life. I know in my heart that God has chosen me to be a twin momma and he will not let me fail.
But for right now I just need to freak out a little bit, k?
If you are the praying type, pray I don't have to go on bed rest. I can handle working shorter days or working part time from home if it comes to that. But the thought of full on bed rest? I'm close to an anxiety attack just thinking about it.
My next appointment is next Monday, 30 weeks. We'll see what the good doc says. Hopefully I'll be able to keep doing what I'm doing, working 40 hours a week, resting at home, nesting on the weekends. It's a pretty good system I've got going.
Doc: "What are you planning to do for work?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
Doc: "You work full time, right? When are you planning on taking a step back?"
Me: *pause* "I'm not."
Doc: "There may come a day when you cannot work full time anymore."
Me: "I'm working until you tell me I can't."
Doc: *sigh* "We'll see where you are in two weeks."
Me: "Do you think I'll have to go on bed rest?"
Doc: "We'll see."
Me (internally screaming): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
This conversation took place after my 28 week ultrasound, where I learned that my babies were much closer to 3 pounds than 2 pounds. They were measuring somewhere between 29-30 weeks. I know in my head that most twin pregnancies deliver between 36-37 weeks but I decided months ago that I'd have a scheduled c-section at 38 weeks. (Like me deciding it made it so.)
In short, I'm not mentally prepared to have these babies before April 15th. But I realize that my mental state has nothing to do with it. These babies will come when they are ready to come and it most likely will not be when I am ready - how does one even become ready though really? I probably wouldn't be ready at 38 weeks so there is no real difference between 36 and 38 weeks aside from my anxiety with running out of time.
There are so many things I want to accomplish at work before I leave. I need to finish the nursery. The guest closest still needs cleaned out. I have two more showers and will have gifts that need sorted and organized. We'll need to make the big purchases with gift cards we have gotten. We'll need to take inventory of clothing, remove tags, wash and organize by size, make returns where necessary, and the list goes on.
Do you know I had to have my sister in law explain strollers to me? My mind couldn't comprehend what I needed to register for and how the car seats would click in. How could I possibly be ready to bring babies home in less than 2 months when I don't even know how to install a car seat in my car yet?
I need a breast pump. I need to research placenta encapsulation. (more on this later)
My mind just reels with all the things I want to do and all the anxiety I have about doing these things and/or running out of time.
I haven't bitten my nails in years. But Monday night I bit every single one off. I didn't have a full out ugly melt down. I had a slow one where I meticulously gnawed at every nail until they were all destroyed. There were no tears, no bursts of sudden emotion. Just a chill breakdown in my kitchen by myself. I guess the anxiety is finally kicking in.
Now before you panic and send me an encouraging note or call me to tell me everything will be ok - I know this. I know all of this is totally normal and that all first time moms have reservations and feelings of inadequacy. I have a tribe of family and friends who will support me and walk with me through the next phase of life. I know in my heart that God has chosen me to be a twin momma and he will not let me fail.
But for right now I just need to freak out a little bit, k?
If you are the praying type, pray I don't have to go on bed rest. I can handle working shorter days or working part time from home if it comes to that. But the thought of full on bed rest? I'm close to an anxiety attack just thinking about it.
My next appointment is next Monday, 30 weeks. We'll see what the good doc says. Hopefully I'll be able to keep doing what I'm doing, working 40 hours a week, resting at home, nesting on the weekends. It's a pretty good system I've got going.
I am very aware of pre-birth anxiety ...in a way, it begins to change your focus. Part of me liked my old self, couple, employee focus just fine. There was a sense of comfortable belonging and confidence in what I was doing, people's recognition of who I was and my capabilities. The whole being at home with a tiny human dependent on e was scary and in a way, sounded boring ---staying home rather than dressing nice and being out among adults making decisions, helping others become who they were meant to be (teacher stuff). Parenting really focused my energy. I did not really know sacrificial life and the need to depend on God in daily moments until I had children. I am praying for your mental and emotional strength as well as for your body, the girls' health and the steps from now until all is resolved. Through this time, you will come to know Alex, yourself, and life in new ways. Love you sweetie!
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